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*Safety Advisory*

 Advisory Page
While is primarily intended for use as reading or gazing matter, numerous other uses have been reported to our legal department. On the one hand, we are gratified to have produced a multiuse product; but we are also concerned that misuse of may have unforeseen negative consequences both to users and, ultimately, to CoNeCo, our benevolent, all-powerful parent corporation. In an effort to limit the frequency and severity of such consequences, we hereby offer the following safety advisories for your consideration.

[Please note that by having read the preceding paragraph, you the reader, acknowledge that for all intents and purposes, legal or otherwise, known or unknown, now and in the future, you are on your own. Period.]

As was set forth in a previous section of this advisory, the printed version of may easily be used as a fan. If air moved as a result of this use is intended solely to promote evaporative cooling of the skin, risk to the fanner/fannee is minimal. If said air is intended for other purposes, risks may range from slight to grave, as described below.

When used to shoo flies or other nonpoisonous flying insects (without intent to do bodily harm) the reader is advised to conduct a cursory search within a three-foot perimeter around him/herself, in order to establish that no objects or other creatures are within said perimeter. Failure to do so may result in injury to the reader or others, including but not limited to: bruises, abrasions, fractures, puncture wounds, impalement, scalding, trampling, clogbite, unconsciousness and death. Otherwise, shooing flies et al with the printed version of is relatively safe and enjoyable.

The fanning of newly ignited fires (or of previously established fires which the reader wishes to quickly rekindle) is a legitimate and almost completely safe use of the printed version of Though barely deserving of mention in this context, there are two extremely unlikely mishaps which may possibly occur as a result of gross mishandling of the printed version of as a fun fire-fan:
  1. Holding the printed version of too close to the fire while fanning may result in the paper itself bursting into flame. Should this occur, the reader is advised to briefly enjoy the bright, pretty colors of the flames, and then simply throw the flaming paper as for away as possible, find another printed version of, and keep fanning until a) completely satisfied with the magnitude of the fire.

  2. Holding the printed and stapled version of with its spine toward the fire may later result in the incursion of tiny blisters on the hand when regripping the paper for reading or other purposes. This is because the stapled version of will have metal staples holding it itogether along the spine, and because the atomic properties of this metal are such that it easily conducts heat -- first from the fire, then to the skin of the hands. Readers wishing to avoid receiving the tiny staple-blisters may do so by plunging the newspaper into a bath of icewater or other chilled, nonflammable liquid immediately after successfully fanning the fire, or by initially arranging the printed version of such that any of the three non-stapled sides of the newspaper are facing toward the flames. (Note: many readers may experience the tiny staple-blisters as pleasurable mementos of their encounter with fire and, while others may notice curiously beneficial Chinese-medicinal effects from the blisters, if the location of the blisters corresponds with well-known acupuncture points on the hands. We suggest you make every effort to affix the staples to the paper in such a way as to maximize the likelihood that any blisters incurred while improperly handling its product in the way outlined above will have therapeutic results for the reader.)
By using a motion similar to that of fanning fires, the printed version of may be employed as a long-distance signaling device between readers, or between a reader and any of several species of animals, usually dogs. In this connection, the newspaper is generally held high above the head and waved with more or less vigor, depending on the urgency of the message. By and large, only the simplest of messages may be sent in this fashion. One of the most common messages is "Here I am!", a message which may be effectively sent to almost any sharp-eyed observer within 750 yards or so. In the case of a human observer, the basic "Here I am!" signal may be inferred to mean anything from "Help!" to "Hello!" to "Go away!", depending on the verve and skill of the sender.

Though in itself a relatively safe procedure, waving a printed version of high above one's head may carry significant risk to the reader if he is a) unskilled at signalling, b) observed by parties other than those or whom the signal is intended, or c) walking, running, or driving while attempting to signal. Needless to say, the variety of possible combinations of circumstances under which might be used as a waving/fanning signal are so vast as to exceed the scope of this writing. The reader is thus encouraged to imagine various coincidences of geography, weather conditions, personal health, and the exceptionally keen eyesight of some animals, especially predators, before attempting to use the printed version of as a signalling device. It is well to note, however, that in extreme emergency conditions one could do worse than to have a printed version of or two handy.

Of possible interest to the more highly skilled reader is the use of the printed version as a waving/fanning signal to another person of the opposite (or desirable, if not actually opposite) sex while seeming only to use the newspaper as an actual evaporative cooling fan. In this sly maneuver, the reader first looks vacantly out in a direction approximately 60 degrees to one side or another away from the person to whom the signal is to be sent, then slowly and ineffectually fans him/herself with the newspaper, holding it below eye level and making sure to prominently display the words "" to the intended recipient. The message thus conveyed is thus "Here I am! I am neither extremely hot nor very busy. I am certainly not stalking you or anyone else, and I have exceptionally good taste!".

While giving out such a signal, the reader should periodically let his/her gaze drift back in the direction of the intended recipient(s) in order to determine whether the strategem is working, and thus whether the signal should be modified or abandoned. As with the use of the printed version of as a signalling device in other contexts, some care should be exercised in this case regarding the presence of large, aggressive animals, whether human or otherwise. Creatures with larger brains and better eyesight may have the ability to correctly deduce that the slight amount of air which your fanning action is moving, plus your odd head and eye movements, may mean that you are indeed signalling to another in whom such a creature may have some hitherto unsuspected proprietary interest. This can be dangerous. Others with smaller brains but no less keen vision may simply conclude that you are not paying much attention to anything, and move in for the kill. As mentioned before, the false-fanning signal is best used by those readers with more highly developed survival skills and a ready wit. In general, this is a subscribers-only use of, not recommended for freebie-grabbers.

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