Kelly
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This is Kelly, the Publisher, the Big Cheese, the Top Guy, the Head Honcho, El Numero Uno, etc etc. He's to blame for everything. Send all your hate mail and letter bombs to him. You can practically see the funny stuff just shooting out of his head, can't you? It stands to reason that anyone who looks like Kelly would say and do a lot of really humorous things. Kelly frequently makes a kind of 'Heee-haaaw' noise.
Personal Accomplishment: Kelly scored almost 100 on his SAT's.
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Margo
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Margo is the StupidStuff.org secretary- What? Oh, excuse us, we meant to say "Office Manager". She has a big fit if we call her a secretary. Like she actually manages anything other than making sure she has a full hour for lunch every day. Teaching her to press the spell-check button was an all-day affair. Don't stand between her and the refrigerator on our Free-Food-Fridays.
Personal Accomplishment: Margo has memorized every episode of the original Star Trek® series.
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Mike
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Mike, Associate Editor. They call me an 'Associate Editor' so they don't have to pay me shit. "Oh, Mike, we can't pay you more because you're just an Associate Editor". But who does all the real work? Me. I mean look at Kelly and Margo- do you think the two of them together could open a frickin' can of tuna-fish before they starved to death? Just thank me for all the stuff that works around here.
Personal Accomplishment: Putting up with a conehead like Kelly on a daily basis.
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Jennifer
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Jennifer is the head (and only member) of our Research Department; she's the one we call when we need to know the capitol of Malaysia or something. She's also a horny little slut who likes chugging Jagermeister. After four or five shots she's ready to do the horizontal-bop with anyone, even Kelly. (And that's why she's still employed. Hell, it's the only reason we even have a 'Research Department' in the first place.) Jennifer is a true Equal-Opportunity Employer when it comes to having sex, if you know what I mean.
Personal Accomplishment: Jennifer 'entertained' every member of the USS Yorktown all by herself in less than 72 hours.
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Basil
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Basil cleans up around here. He's still on parole or work-release or something. He doesn't talk much.
Personal Accomplishment: None.
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Some Drunk Guy
This is just some drunk guy who has settled on our parking lot as the best place to hang. Nobody knows who he is, but he usually lurches into our parking lot around 3:00, picks out a piece of lawn and proceeds to get even more hammered. I just thought you'd like to see what a fabulous office park Kelly The Moron picked out for us.
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